It’s 7am, it’s Monday, the alarms just jolted me awake and a feeling of absolute agony has washed over me.
The thought of going to work today fills me with existential dread. I’m not sure I can do it. It is difficult to put into words the utter desperation I feel towards needing to escape.
It’s everything about work; the flouressant lighting, the open plan desks, the endless meetings, small talk and gossip, office socials, hard deadlines, expectations… but most of all it’s just the fact that I am not free to do what I want with my day.
That I am a wage slave. Bound to servitude under my obligations to pay rent, childcare and bills.
The added dread today comes from the fact that I have been forced to change roles (within the company) to a role that I have zero interest in with people I don’t like.
Though I have been at peace recently, knowing that I am actively working towards my escape from my 9-5 hell, the thought of another day in open plan hell crushes my spirit.
My family try to pick me up with little sound bites like “you never know, you might like it” tying to foster some false optimism inside me. Bollocks.
The the trouble is in my self, I know it isn’t right. Who would feel like this if it was the right thing for them? This level of anxiety, dread, torture is not present in people at peace with their situation.
And yet I feel trapped. I feel obliged to paint a neutral face on and trudge into work. I feel unready to just quit, I don’t feel like I have enough money, enough alternative potential income streams, enough support… enough anything.
I may never be fully prepared, but right now I feel trapped, with no alternative but to go an put in 8 hours for someone else only to come home exhausted with no energy for myself, my health, my interests or my family.