I had the weirdest, scariest yet beautifulest moment at work today.
I was having lunch and someone was asking about the 7 day vegan challenge I am doing. Since I was so unprepared for my 7 days this morning I panic bought avocado, wraps and some sort of Brazilian bulgar wheat on my way to work. The point being my lunch looked a mess and this person jokingly suggested that I was giving up meat to deny myself of all joys in life (this is following giving up alcohol 18 months ago) and he continued in a mock disatribe “and this is why you hate your life, your wife, why you’re ready to give it all up and walk out of this job you hate”.
Of course I don’t hate my life, or my wife, but when he said that last sentence I froze. It’s like he read my mind, reached into my soul and proclaimed what I have been so far too scared to proclaim offline. I looked at him and tried to work out how he knew this about me. 4 or 5 people had stopped eating to watch and I thought for a split second that I was going to blurt it all out that yes I was sick of this place, I hated the stupid work, I hated the stupid people and I was ready to cart wheel out of its stupid gates.
In that moment I felt relief, like I didn’t have to pretend any more. Like my game was finally up. I caught my tounge however and, and as you’d expect from a socially anxious introvert, mumble something and look down at my food.
I still feel weird about it. It felt too close to the bone, too much of a coincidence. It wasn’t just what he said, his tone though joking was attempting to imitate a man on the edge, a man ready to throw his monitor out the window and go HAM.
The chances of me ever actually doing that are slim. Too anxious. Too introverted. But if I do I promise I’ll get the footage!